hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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