her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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