now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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