god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
