just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
