my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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