Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
