I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
