The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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