Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
