he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Randomize
