Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
