how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Randomize
