the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
