dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
