i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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