i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Randomize
