i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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