Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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