Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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