just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
my being single is dangerous.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
