i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
