I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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