I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Vodka?
Forever.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
