Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
