She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize
