We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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