Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
