i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
