I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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