Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
