I think scott just propositioned me for sex
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
