the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
