Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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