Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
