I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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