I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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