nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
