I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wish I only lived at night.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
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