Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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