my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
