the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
