you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
