Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
