The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
