we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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