I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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