what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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