i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
