dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
