I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
