I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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