My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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