Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
