if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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