My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I will pee on everything he values.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
