you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
